So who am I? For those who bothered to read my last post which had a similar title, some changes have occurred since then. I am now 23 and a month away from 24. I have since moved to Clay City, Ky and I now study Political Science as my primary academic concentration…so you know I’m full of shit.
But who am I really? As much as I’d like this to not be a rhetorical question and truly get to the root of my own ego, I must accept that the answer is truly open-ended. The best answer I can develop is…I don’t know who I am.
The primary motivation of one’s development, psychologically, socially and otherwise, is driven primarily by socialization. One’s experiences shape the person with whom they develop. While I attribute one’s eventual psyche and behavior to a balanced combination of both nature and nurture, I believe that the nurture variable often takes the wheel in one’s outlook on life.
There has been a change in me. In one’s life, there is a moment of impact that shifts one’s very foundation. For me it was the deviation of optimism to that of simple realism. I no longer see life as glass-half-full or glass-half-empty, I simply accept the fact that the glass exists and it has the potential to nourish the body or shatter and leave one bleeding. Maybe it’s apathy, maybe it’s cynicism…all I know is that the glass can really be an asshole.
I once had a firm grasp on who I was and what I expected of life. Retrospect only reveals that who I was reflected who everyone wanted me to be. I lived by the expectation and standards of others. To this effect, I never really realized who I was. I was happy enough…but I wasn’t making my own decisions. I was, by all means, a marionette.
This doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on life or the dreams I’ve invested so much in pursuing. I suppose my moment of impact was the decision to make my own decisions, to live by my standards and to abandon the multiple egos that constituted by conscience. Instead, I’ve merged my separated lives, consolidated my emotions and accepted the person I am.
As I am reading this, it really does sound like I’m coming out of the closet. I’m not gay – just want to make that clear. I’ve just attained a lucid realization of life that had been immensely distorted previously.
So who am I now? I’m Brandon Farmer. I bend, I break, I rebuild, I adapt, I survive. I will continue to seek the joys in life and the good in people. I can be your friend or I can be your enemy. Either way, I will continue.
I still consider myself terminally chill. I’ve never been one to have a short fuse or a reactive temperament. But no one will ever walk on me again. My evolution has not finished and what I eventually become is yet to be determined. But I’m not afraid, I embrace it.
I will accept the fact that people will enter your life, make a change in you and then leave. I will accept the fact that love is tangible. I will accept the fact that beauty exists in the experience regardless of the outcome of that moment. I will choose to believe that all things happen for a reason and that certain emotions are eternal. I will accept that the biggest moments and grandest realizations will retain a residual beauty that exists beyond the death of a flame. That the ashes will not represent the end but exist as a reminder that it once burned bright.
If it’s going to end, then let it end in flames. Let it burn all the way down.
Damn you Chris Carrabba, you know me all too well.
I will continue this search for myself. For a finality in the persona that is Brandon Farmer. Until then, you can accept me or you can leave. I am who I am. And I’m not taking any more shit.
For those who powered through this rant, I extend my gratitude. It was more of a release than a public statement. For those who stand behind me, you have my respect and my friendship. For those who stand in my way, don’t expect to keep your footing.